Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
