I don't usually arrange sex via text message
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
