Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
