dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
