Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
