Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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