Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
