First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
