I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
