she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
