I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
