420 ftw
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
