I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
