fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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