I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
