i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
