my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
