Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
