Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
