The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
