can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
