i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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