So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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