Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
