Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
