i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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