How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
