i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
