Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
