"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
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