I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
