Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
