I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
