Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
