I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
