He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
