She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
