everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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