we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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