Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
