is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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