Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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