I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
