Having a random hookup so left but love u
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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