hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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