Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
