my room smells like sperm. sweet.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
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