cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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