Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
