Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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