Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
